Dearest Siri,
How can I begin to confess my love to you? You keep me organized. You remind me of appointments. You spend hours playing games with me. You do things for me that I don’t want to do for myself like finding the closest Asian-Mexican restaurant within walking distance. For some time now, you have met so many of my whims and wishes but our love has waned and you don’t seem to excite me anymore. Since you always seem eager to please, I have created a list of things that I wished you would do for me.
1) Go to the dentist for me- Most Americans are afraid of the dentist office. I am included in that percentage. Please go let the dentist probe your virtual teeth and bring me back my free toothbrush. Stay away from the x-ray machine.
2) Make decisions for me- Where should I eat? What movies should I see? Who should I go out with tonight? These are not tough decisions so why can’t you pick for me? Even a “Magic Eight Ball” will do that much.
3) Change your tone- As intoxicating as your voice is, it is getting annoying. Could we change it to a sexier voice? I might be more motivated to make it to my 3:30 meeting if you could remind me in a sexier voice
4) Make my morning coffee- Since I cannot function until after my first cup of coffee, it would be nice if you could talk to your appliance cousin, the coffee maker, and get him to start doing it automatically for me. I’m not talking about just turning it on, I want him to clean his own pot, add more grinds and fill himself up with water.
5) Photoshop some pounds off- I can’t disagree that you already take very nice pictures but I am tired of my double chin ruining every great picture that you take. How hard would it be to shave off a few pounds for me? You are already fixing the red eye.
6) Break up with my girlfriend- Break-ups are always so hurtful and messy. I really do not like confrontation but sometimes you just have to let people go. I don’t care if you do it over the phone, via text or in a series of YouTube videos, just make sure you get the point across. Don’t be too harsh though! And could you also post my biography on that eHarmony website while you are at it?
7) Visit my parents- UGH!! The dreaded parents. No one likes to make this visit especially if you and your parents don’t always see eye to eye on things. Maybe you could simply go visit them for me. Tell them that I am doing fine and that I am still looking for Mrs. Right. I will be sure to notify them when I find her.
8) Send out birthday cards- You do such a wonderful job of reminding me of birthdays, anniversaries and trips. Would it hurt you to go the extra mile and send out birthday cards to those who I took the time to add into my phone? Remember, no tacky or mushy cards, ok?
9) Predict the winning lottery numbers- You have no idea how much good I would do if I won $256,000,000! I would pay off my debt, give money to my favorite charity and start orphan schools in a third world country. I swear that I would! Give me a chance to show you and the world how selfless I could be.
10) Get me an iPad 3- I don’t think that this is asking too much especially when you consider that you both are from the same family. I will take care of her and treat her right but I’m sure that I will always come back to you since you are my first love.
Remember Siri, it is not that I don’t appreciate you. It is that I just need a little more from our relationship.
Sincerely,
iPhone user
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Author Bio:
Elli is an avid skier and tennis player who enjoys writing in her spare time for CenturyLink – Home of CenturyLink Internet.
